Growing up I couldn’t understand why other kids had fathers and I didn’t. I thought my uncles were my fathers. I took sex education in school and knew my mom had to get pregnant from somewhere. When I reached the age of 16 I was curious about his identity. First, I begged my mom to tell me but she refused and only had bits and pieces of who he was from my aunt. My aunt told me about my biological father and left out a few details, she did tell me he was on the front page of the newspaper but never said why. My mom, she never wanted to tell me about this man and I couldn’t understand why. She said to leave it alone; do you want to embarrass me? Finally, I started to look in the library for his name because his name appeared in the newspaper around the time I was born. I had to research it; I came up with NOTHING and let it go. In 2010 my life has been upside down since my mom finally told me who he was. I asked my mom, “Mom I know my bio dad was like 50 when I was born so why did you date somebody that old?” She was only 28 years old at the time. She said she did not date him and that he was my grandfather’s friend from the San Luis Valley and he needed a place to stay so he can look for a job around August of 1947. I don’t think my grandfather knew that this man was evil. This so called friend’s name Aguilar quietly entered my mom’s bedroom. He forcibly raped my mom. I asked her why she did not scream. She stated he covered her mouth with one hand and with the other hand he wrapped it around her throat. She was scared that this man would strangle her then hurt my grandparents so she didn’t inform them. When my grandfather found out that morning he kicked him out of the house. My uncles waited for this man down the block to beat him up. My mom became pregnant because of this rape. I left my mom’s house in tears knowing I was a product of that rape, I became so devastated. I asked my mother did she know that was rape. She said back in those days, rape was kept quiet. I also found the newspaper clipping in 2013 but it wasn’t the front page and there was no picture but what I found was very upsetting as you will see below.
Not only did this man rape my mother, he also murdered his wife’s mother 2 years later. Like the coward he was, he committed suicide on the spot. After learning this and knowing that I had a sibling out there. I researched and found that I had a brother and I reunited with my brother from this evil man. It’s not his fault, after all, it was his grandmother he killed. He said he would stay in touch but he hasn’t and that’s okay. I also met his mom in which she fell in love with me. I also found that I have several other siblings who live in California and New Mexico. I will never meet them but have talked with my niece on ancestry.com. All that matters that they know I exist and under the circumstances that I came to exist.
This seems so unreal to me and even now I can’t believe this is happening to me. My mom’s trauma caused my memories to come forward about my own rape as a child. I cried for two weeks. As I still cry deep inside, now I know why my mom didn’t want me to know who he was. Why didn’t I see the flags? My mom explained to me recently that she wanted to abort me, she didn’t love me in the beginning; didn’t want me for the first two years of my life and was going to give me to her sister. I reminded her of her rape and they didn’t have abortions at that time (only back alley abortions). She tried to abort me herself she said. You don’t want to know in what manner. Just know I was born with missing bones and legally blind in one eye.
So now I understood that I am now a survivor of rape and my conception is from rape and that my mom gave birth to a child from a violent act of Rape. Like most rape victims they take showers to get the dirt off of them or violent act. She finally learned to love me. Till this day passed her 90 years of age she still has a hard time giving me that needed a hug because all she sees is the man that raped her. I don’t fault her and feel that she had the strength and courage to see me every day and she does love me in her way… She never… not one time ever treated me with disrespect or abuse after her acceptance of me. I was not accepted wholeheartedly by a couple of my family members… they treated me like I was a disease and a mistake. I was raised with rejection from those family members… We can think selfishly about making decisions for women who have suffered in this tragedy… there are circumstances we need to consider. I know because I am that child of rape. Do I regret my life or living? No, and Yes but I am grateful to God for letting me know Him. I’m in pain every day to know that this happened to my mother… I see the pain this man has caused to my mother and to the other children he fathered. I don’t need pity but only give awareness.
In the eyes of God, I am not illegitimate or legitimate because none of us were conceived in the act of Love but our conception happened in a violent act of Rape. We are the afflicted children of God. So before speak, know what you are talking about first! People say that they don’t need to know about the tragedy of rape and all you know life should be protected. How dare you that say this to us, children of rape and the women who have been raped. Be protected from life but don’t say you don’t need to know about the tragedy of rape. Rape is something you never forget and you can’t erase it and some women will suffer from PTSD or fall into a hole becoming an addict of drugs or alcoholism. Some say that this child of rape will be loved but how do you know this and all of you can only assume they will? Some children who are adopted are beaten, abused, or murdered. God protects us in His own way that is why we are the Afflicted Children of God.
I know what my mom went through but didn’t know I was a product of her rape until years later and now starts My “Triggers of Trauma”.
At 3 years old we lived close to where there was a circus. I remember going to the circus with my sister and brothers. The only thing that I remember was a man grabbing my hand. After that, I blocked things out. According to my family, I was kidnapped taken to an area where the riverbed flowed and just left there, left there to die. There were tire tracks of where I was dropped off. Thank God the police found me. I could have been added to this list of murdered children. This was also in the newspapers according to my family. I don’t remember any of the in-between stuff but being at the police station and eating an ice cream cone.
I remember living next to a business (Cleaners shown in the above video), where the owner gave us money and candy. I was between 4-6 years of age; he gave my brother the job of watching if anyone would come near the building. He threw me in between the pants presser. The one shown below is similar to the real thing.
Remembering him touching me where he should not have. I remember crying (as I cry now remembering) in pain and hollering “STOP” it hurts… I screamed again It HURTS, he kept on hurting me. He threatened to put my brother in the presser and burn him alive if I told anyone. I really do not remember anything else, I blocked out the rest of it. The things I do remember, it hurts like hell. Could this be the same man that kidnapped me earlier? I found out the man that owned the cleaners died some time ago. The building still stands on the corner like a demon who took my childhood from me. Why didn’t anybody notice what this man did to me? I was a child for God’s sake!
Not one time did I blame it on God but only blame Satan for the act of one man. God always has been with me and he understands me the most. You can say all you want and if you never been that person, you cannot make a decision for these women only God can as He knows our plan in life before we even know it. God gave MAN free and choices to make whether it is evil or good. We learn from our experiences. In the Bible, Give justice to the weak and the fatherless; maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute”. Only God knows Himself the plight of those who rape. The only thing you and I know is that the Bible says “Thou shall not kill’. When children like me survive we suffer in living a life that shouldn’t have been?
Years later I was again raped. I dated a guy who played basketball for Trinidad College. My son and I spent the weekend and on Sunday he had to play a game in Trinidad and wanted me to go with him but I could not find a babysitter so I did not go. He had a couple of friends visiting him and had asked either one of them if they could take me home because his team was picking him up. The friend that was in the military offered to give me a ride and my boyfriend trusted him. I usually don’t get into cars with people that I don’t know. My boyfriend reassured me that I will be okay. I had to get home because I needed to go to work the next day. The guy took me home and we had a very good conversation on the way to my sister’s house. About a block before he got there he stopped the car. He pulled out a knife and threatens to kill my son if I didn’t cooperate with him. I thought I was going to die and my son also. I shook so badly but I tried not to cry; to save my son’s life I did what he asked, especially when he had the knife to my son’s heart; He threw me in the backseat of the car with the knife to my throat and my son was in the front seat crying. He told me to tell my son to walk home. I told him he is too young to walk because of the traffic. He cut my pants off and proceeded to rape me in front of my baby son. The next thing I knew the door flew open and my boyfriend grabbed him by his military pants and threw him out the car. My boyfriend told me to go home and I ran home with my son in my arms not looking back. His friend never knew exactly where I lived. I believed my boyfriend beat him up right at the car. He called me later telling me how he found out his friends plan. He asked me what was I going to do and I told him I would let him know. I was scared because this guy was in the military. I didn’t tell a soul, I didn’t go to the police nor I didn’t tell my family of the rape. I moved from my sisters’ house never calling my boyfriend back or telling him where I was. I was fearful of my life and my family’s life.
The reason why I didn’t go to the police, I have seen in the news or on the internet how the police always made the perpetrator the victim instead of the rape victim. How they made the victim feel even dirtier than she already felt. I read how the media tore into the victims of rape where they end up committing suicide. I was so afraid the military would protect their soldier. This was during the Vietnam War. I felt I didn’t have a chance. I didn’t want to go through the humiliation over again; I didn’t want to put my son through it nor my family. At that time I didn’t trust the system.
I am going to drop this right here. I wrote a poem about Rape, my true story. I mention in this poem 3x’s… I believe that all of you thought being born of Rape was my first time. That was my mother’s rape, not mine. Although, I was born from rape it still made me a victim of that crime. I made it sound like it was my first time in this poem… but…I do say there is more… The 3rd time, I have a hard time explaining. I was just a newlywed in the 80’s. My husband was in the Army and in the field when this happened. I so tried to block this from my memory as I did when being raped as a child. I was looking through my medical records and there it was… my trip to the emergency room… the policewoman who was in the hospital room with me and the medical details. I didn’t remember the actual rape because they found a date rape drug (Special K) in my blood system. I was going to the gym but I was early so I stopped at one of the nightclubs by smith road next to a Biker club. Meeting my homegirl because she had a problem and wanted to talk. I ordered one drink… and that’s all I remember only to wake up in the wrong car in the parking lot. Police were called. My husband was called. A biker friend that I knew saved me! I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and was beside myself. I tucked it in the back of my mind. I don’t like drinking from anyone’s drink (water). If I open a bottle of anything and somebody’s has the same bottle… I get up and come back I will not touch that bottle… I have thrown a lot of bottle of waters that way even other liquid drinks. I eventually stop clubbing because of this. I stopped ordering any drinks from a club or bar. I already had PTSD from my childhood rape, the 2nd rape brought it back to the forefront but this 3rd rape and DV… deepened the effect. For a long time, I didn’t feel safe out in public, I stayed to myself. I stayed away from my Fam Fam for 10+ years. The doctors had me on Prozac for 5 of those years. I freak out still today when somebody walks behind me and touches me on my shoulder or tap me. I don’t like to be touch unless I’m the one touching first. This is the first time I have said anything about this.
In this present day of 2014, the police don’t even turn the rape kits in and still make rape victims feel like they are at fault or the perpetrators. It’s a shame that these rape kits are sitting there or being thrown away and rapists are walking free. It’s getting that you can’t put your trust in the police anymore. They have become so militarized.
I don’t understand but God spared me of two potential deaths thus far wait a minute like three when my mom was pregnant with me. I know I will have to go through more sufferings in my life and this is the beginning. For everything that I have gone through, I never drank, took drugs but only knew how to fall and get back on my feet. I never pitied myself but each time I fell I got up stronger. This I know that Satan is truly evil and he will fight for my soul. I was not meant to be born but once I started to grow within my mother God took over. I was born on the 12th day meaning Twelve is the product of 3 the perfectly Divine and heavenly number and 4 the earthly, the number of what is material and organic which the spiritual perception can at once appreciate; In the month of May the 5th month now we have a further revelation of a People called out from mankind, redeemed and saved, to walk with God from earth to heaven. Hence, Redemption follows creation. Inasmuch as in consequence of the fall of man creation came under the curse and was “made subject to vanity,” therefore man and creation must be redeemed. Thus we have: Father, Son, Spirit, Creation, and Redemption which are the five great mysteries and five are therefore the number of GRACE. I truly believe that God and his angels are watching over me. Ever since I started talking and walking as a baby, all I talked about was God.
We all have to recognize that there is so much sex and violence out here. People are grabbing lust/sex like it was candy. Give me… Give me… Raping children, babies, women, teenagers, young boys etcetera… etcetera. Internet Porn which may include drugs and alcohol is creating, molding your brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, uncles, and aunts into sexual deviates, burglars, and killers of this world. We need to lock it down and throw away the keys.I now advocate against Domestic Violence, Violence, Bullying, and Rape and if I can help just one person by them hearing my story then I have done what God wanted me to do. I’m not done. One step at a time, One day at a time. I don’t consider myself a victim anymore but I am a Survivor!
Update 5/31/2017: Everyone is doing a DNA test on ancestry.com to find their lineage. I did mine because I wanted to see if I was matched. I did my DNA testing last year but yesterday on 5/31/2017, I saw the last name of Aguilar who appeared in my recent DNA matches and who was very closely knitted to me. I wrote him an email and asked who and where he is from and if his family knew Manuel Aguilar. He said yes that was his father’s brother. I choked back tears and said finally I knew that he is real and what my mom and uncles said was true. I am so overwhelmed in my head right now. I have met other family members and talk to them by phone. My brother and sisters are either have expired because of age, you see this man raped my mom when he was 46 years old, his children now are now in the late 80’s and 90’s. My brother Paul and I are the youngest of the bunch. I’m just glad that my research is over with and I can move on from this.